The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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