Your face is a jimmy john
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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