woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
