I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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