last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
areolas are like halos for boobs.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
