this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
