When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
