glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Randomize
