you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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