Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
