Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
