I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
