Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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