Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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