if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
