my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
it's great music for shaving your balls
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
