I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
