I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
