Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
