So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
