I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
