I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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