I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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