when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
