I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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