Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
