Your face is a jimmy john
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Randomize
