Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
