my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
