Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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