I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
