Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
