theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
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I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
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I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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