I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
