when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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