At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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