I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
