i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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