wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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