you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
