It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
