Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
My feet surprised me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
