At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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