Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
