Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went