We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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