You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
