Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
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