I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
