the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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