i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
