I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
