Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Randomize
