you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
