Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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