things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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