his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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