Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
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