Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
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