What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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