You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
