So drunk, too bad you don't want this
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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